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 Заголовок сообщения: Practice with your family
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Some students of healing massage (let’s call our tradition by that name) tell me that they cannot perform massage sessions on their loved ones. It is possible to do with anyone who is distant enough, or a total stranger, but not on a mother or a partner. Sometimes, they ask: “Can anyone do
that? May it even be dangerous, to perform a healing session on someone close?”

I think you can guess my response to such questions. In an open and vulnerable space of a healing session, it may be hard to deal with your own feelings and the feelings of people who are close and
important to you. Some of these feelings have nothing in common with gratitude or grace. I dare say that true massage healing of the kind that I myself practice and teach others is a way for us to meet
reality. To simply see and accept that which is, at once, without reproach, and to rid oneself of the ocean of illusory suffering and doubt. Truth is that, by and large, our pain and our fears do not exist in the here and now. They exist in the past and in the future. In the now, we are playing them like a
game, a live role playing game. We play this game without realising that we are now stronger and more skilful, and that we can rely on help and support of the world, on our knowledge, our friends and teachers, and new experiences.

But even a master of body practice, a successful manager or a professional psychologist may lose their calm when they face the resentment of, say, their parents. Even if today she knows that they are not right, once upon a time she used to fear this reaction. Facing it brings her back into the past
and out of here and now, making her forget everything she learned in her life. To avoid feeling this pain again and again, she avoids meeting them or talking to them, going instead to see her own therapist and to talk about her own childhood traumas that now stand in the way of her living a fulfilling life. Why, then, are we afraid to bring a massage session to our relatives and other loved ones? Why does it go wrong? Why does the sensitivity go away? Why is the flow gone, and why do we fear?

The answer is simple. We cannot perform (let’s call it) a massage in the way that we know we can and want to do without seeing, in all reality, the person who is receiving it. In order to get tuned to each other before a séance, it is most important to stop the flow of one’s mind, to remove all
projections and expectations and to see the person lying in front of you for who she is. As if I see a first human being after the world’s creation, through my open eyes and with childlike immediacy.

Opening up to this person’s feeling, seeing his or her breathing patterns, body density, her pain, strength and singularity. Seeing this person’s truth. There is no place for conflicts or fear, for the desire to impose or to keep something to oneself, in this moment. This is reality, and we should
accept the right of reality to be what it is.

Without all this, the body will not allow the healing. Only through this we can feel what needs to be done in each particular moment. We can trust our intuition and feeling and understanding of our
partner instead of our fantasies or mental concepts. I can understand why it is so difficult to do it for a family. There are too many interdependencies in our relations with the family, too many suppressed emotions, compromises, hidden pain. Too often in close relations we keep a distance from our own selves in order to keep the illusion of stability. At first, it happens in very early childhood, and it continues when we build our own families. People are afraid of truth, feelings, change. There is a fear of failure. Men are afraid of women, and women of men. Why? Is there a danger, and is it real? Too often we don’t even see the other person what he or she is, doing our
battles and declaring armistices with «the personages of our inner delirium”, as psychologists call them. We are looking for love but we are not ready to quench the same thirst in others, to accept and help them in their weakness. It happens.

But it can be changed. Slowly. Half an hour of reality a day, then one hour. Just do the massage, without forcing it, without looking for immediate bliss. Just getting used to looking at each other, to touching and to giving support, in silence. I would not recommend talking at first, or may be even for
some months, during and after the séances. I would recommend no talking at all, focusing on the body and on living one’s feelings and sensations, tuning in to the truth of the practice and mastery and one’s inner wisdom. Practicing massage is a type of mutual support, learning how to trust each
other. To tame the reality, to accept it. Then, slowly, in other words, we shall learn how to speak, grounding the speech in this state of mutual trust. How to listen in this state, to hug and to support.

Doing it with strangers at first, and then with the loved ones. Really, they are not dangerous. Because it was a little child who was so dependent on one’s mom and dad. They could do really anything to her or for her. But it was in the past. In the present, when mother yells at a grown up
daughter or son, it is not dangerous but merely sad. It is sad because she does not really see her offspring for who she or he is. She yells at her little child --- or her own fear. She is yelling from her own loneliness, not meeting that adult who loves her and stands right in front of her. Who lives by
her side. It is possible, however, to remain in the reality of this sadness without self-destruction.

Seeing and accepting a person who is close to you, in his or her full presence. And to hug, to soothe, because we can no longer be destroyed. There is no dependence, no reason for fear, no real danger.
There is only the fright felt by a little child, a feeling which here and now is silly and cannot serve as a guide. We can love openly and calmly, grounding our feelings in strength and wisdom and not in child’s pain.

What, then, can be wrong with performing séance on a parent? It is just a meeting, silent and sincere. Unique in its every minute, always important. Something not to be missed.

You can meet the feelings of your man or your woman, even if you discover that there are too few of them to meet. They have been hiding, afraid of not being accepted, and became less in comparison with what we would like to see looking into this reality. But our real and accepting attention is like
rain, or sunlight. It is nourishing for feelings. They will flower up, not at once, but for real, and there will be no conflict, misunderstanding, loneliness, or boredom in this relationship. We will learn to see the real needs and the uniqueness of our partners. Love will follow.

Or, there will be a realisation that the goals and intentions of the two of you, are different, and it is better to leave this union and create a more harmonious one. Or may be start changing, meeting each other half way. It will be your own choice. It is possible that you live with a person who is
wrong for you, and you walk the same street with the right person who remains unnoticed and misunderstood. Or this person does not see you because you do not know yourself for who you are, appearing from the self which is not true to you. When you know your own feelings and needs, you
will know the kind of partner you are looking for. This is a chance and a possibility for a tight friendship, soulful acceptance, love and happiness. Or may be it only seemed to you that your partner cannot understand you. And it will turn out that you cannot bear your partner’s feeling for
you. And that you are similar, and you want the same, and your partner is happy to be, finally, noticed. We do not know what we will see when we look into reality. Reality is different from illusion and from the familiar, repetitive psychological defences and standard reactions that we use day by day. But reality is very interesting. It is alive and changing, the only place where we can experience real feelings and pleasure and meaning.

I can start moving. Freely, slowly, gradually living through my own tension, pain and sadness. I can remain attentive, sincere and calm. When the fear leaves my body, it will dissolve in the body of my partner, too. It will disappear in my conscience and the conscience of my loved ones. And then the massage will progress in a way it never did before. And the meeting will happen. Believe it.

(text by Olesya Bondareva,
translation by Anna Kruglova)


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